In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man still can’t see out of his other eye
offbeat
All posts tagged offbeat
Uncle Snarky’s Pronunciation Primer:
Today’s word … VOILA
Pronounced: VOH – EYE – LUH
Meaning: I created that mess
Used in a sentence: “You seen what I done there, dincha? Voila!
So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night. I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux. Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.
I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.
That’s a bargain! Wait. What?
I thought, what the hell? I’ll try again for lunch …
Ronald has some ‘splaining to do…
Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing. I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.
So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!
It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything! I practically ran through the door and asked for a DOUBLE!
Wow! What a misunderstanding! Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?
It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …
The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries run by …
Does my penis make this dress look big?
So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.
I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.
Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”
I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.
Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.
Enemy Mine
Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.
Dammit.
Boobies are for illustrative purposes only and not meant as porn. Unless you’re a total perv, in which case, it may be viewed as porn if requested in writing.
Few things push The Snark’s buttons like hearing someone mispronounce one of his favorite words.
I’m not even going to get started on the word “clitoris” which not only is apparently unpronounceable, but no man is able to find one, even with a flashlight and a guiding hand on the back of their head ………. but I digress.
No, gentle reader, the word to which I’m referring is another body part, the name of which apparently paralyzes far too many people’s frontal lobes (not to be confused with the ear lobes).
I’m talking about our friend, the larynx. I’ll admit, it’s a funny word and I always feel like I’m talking dirty when I say it. It’s titillating.
But dammit, if I hear one more walking cartoon character pronounce this word as “LAIR – NIX” … I’m going postal, and not in a good, get your mail on time, kind of way.
The word is properly pronounced “LAIR – INKS” …….. It rhymes with pharynx …… dammit, did I open a can of worms there?
LAIR – INKS, dammit! LAIR – NIX ….. son of a …. I mean …..LAIR – INKS!
So, there you are. Empowered like a mother hugger. Now go forth and talk more goodly. Go. Forth. Go.
The Snark has a hypothesis that aliens are taking people’s brains and using them to make galactic pudding pops.
I can’t tell you how many times a week I see clueless citizens who not only can’t spell, but have no idea what they’re actually saying.
For all intensive purposes, this supposably only happens to dumbasses. Was I too pacific?
Yeah, Uncle Snarky can wax poetic when he feels the need! Dig it ….
Lately I’ve been dreaming
’bout a house and picket fence
and friendly dog
Two cats and a milkman
and a cabin up in Bangor
made of log
A wife whose smile is charming
two point three kids
and a mortgage I can bear
A red-hot next door neighbor
with whom I might find myself
in an affair
Lately I’ve been dreaming
but dreaming’s all I ever seem to do
As long as I’m dreaming
would you mind if I dreamed of you?
– Uncle Snarky – ©2015
Another letter to The Snark. This one is from Dixie Normous of Tightsqueeze, Virginia.
Dear Uncle Snarky,
I am a 19 year-old girl with a dark secret. I have a mortal fear of being groped by Sasquatch. This might sound like a small matter to you, but according to The National Enquirer, Sasquatch gropings are on the rise in the contiguous United States and parts of Guatemala.
Yet another victim!
My mom and dad are taking our family on a camping trip, and they’re forcing me to go. They say if I don’t face my Sasquatch groping fears that I could end up a depraved sheep-shagger like you, Uncle Snarky. I am horrified of Bigfoot touching my no-no, but I’m even more horrified of someone confusing me with you. I don’t mean any offense, of course. I’m sure you’re probably a very nice pervert. Although, I still would never stand in front of you in line at Lubricants-R-Us.
So, I guess my real question is, should I risk it all and go to the forest with my family, knowing full well that I might get hairy-palmed by the Abominable Hoe Man? I know you’ll steer me right, Uncle Snarky. You’re the wisest, most wonderful person who’s ever lived!
I’m sorry. That previous paragraph was total bullshit. I was giggling my ass off whilst I was writing it. I actually think you’re an idiot and a danger to society. But, your opinion would be appreciated.
Call Bobo! It’s definitely a Squatch!
The Snark replies:
Well, thank you for that vote of confidence. I’ll bet you never get tired of hearing guys say “I wish I was in Dixie”. Uncle Snarky is always excited to receive letters from 19 year-old women with dark secrets. He prefers when those letters come with filthy pics and pairs of panties, but let’s not split hairs. So to speak.
Let me start off by saying that The Snark can say with absolute certainty that Sasquatches roam among us. Spend five minutes with my wife’s side of the family and you’ll be a believer too.
If there’s one thing Uncle Snarky knows, it’s groping. I remember this one time when I was at a frat party in college. The hour was growing late, and I was waiting for the frat boys to pass out unconscious so I could rummage through their wallets. Suddenly, The Snark was beset upon by a 300-pound defensive lineman from the football team of the venerable Funk University (OLD F U). At first I was flattered. Then, I realized that the idiot thought that I was Jodie Foster! Talk about beer goggles!
I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. But, here’s a bit of wisdom … “Making love on an escalator is a moving experience….. until your wanker gets caught in the mechanism.
– Uncle Snarky –
