So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night. I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux. Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.
I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.
That’s a bargain! Wait. What?
I thought, what the hell? I’ll try again for lunch …
Ronald has some ‘splaining to do…
Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing. I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.
So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!
It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything! I practically ran through the door and asked for a DOUBLE!
Wow! What a misunderstanding! Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?
It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …
* This post is hosted from another blog that I really enjoy
“The Snark And I”
Please check them out! Funny stuff!
thesnarkandi.com
Readers, I have a confession to make. Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter has led me down a dark path. It has been a short hop to her gift guide.
I know that I have posted a similar piece before, but really, I just couldn’t help myself today.
The gift guide has become one of my main sources of levity, intellectual stimulation, and emotional sustenance. I laugh, I cry, it becomes a part of me. So, feeling a little blue today now that vacation is over and it is a cold, gray day, I took a peek at the last gift guide.
In what I am guessing is an effort to be more relatable, GP has added wonderful, practical gifts for those we love most, like the following. Please read the last sentence twice, because I find it mind-boggling.
WORLD VIEW EXPLORATION AT THE EDGE OF SPACE
“This two-part adventure begins in 2016 with a behind-the-scenes invitation to a World View test flight. The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona, is home for three nights; spend your days with the flight’s chase and recovery team and tour Biosphere 2 with original crew member and World View CEO Jane Poynter. In 2017, you and five companions will experience 360° views of Earth as a high-altitude balloon lifts your luxury pressurized capsule 100,000 feet above our planet. $90,000.00”
I know what someone’s getting for Christmas this year!
Spaces are limited to a lucky ten people. I want to meet those 10 people, but more importantly, I NEED to meet the recipients. If someone is willing to spend 90 large to send you 100,000 feet in the air, you have to be a special kind of someone. They are selling 10, but I guess only 6 make the cut.
Or………
The Hermes Mah Jongh Set – $46,000 Is there any wonder as to why there is a waiting list?
Even by Gwynnie’s standards, those have to be major gifts, so if it’s stocking stuffers you need, look no further. Yes, GP has a section forNot So Basic Sex Toys.
For short money, Goop recommends the $395 Kiki de Montparnasse Droplet Necklace. “A discreet vibrating necklace that turns into nipple clamps,” the description says. Awesome. I love jewelry that multi-tasks.
I was contemplating the very affordable $20 anal beads when a particular item caught my eye. For that special someone (or yourself), you can get a 24-karat dildo $15,000.
Since I feel that you can’t put a price on pleasure, I looked more closely and noticed two very important points.
- This item comes with discreet packaging. Well, one would hope so. My letter carrier is a very nice man, but I don’t want him coming to my door and saying, ” Here’s that solid gold dildo you’ve been waiting for!”
- It comes with a 10-year guarantee.
Personal note to GP – Honey, I don’t judge, but if you are worried that you might wear out a solid gold dildo in less than 10 years, something is amiss. What the hell are you doing with it? Gwynnie, talk to me, goose. I’m your girl and you can tell me. Really. Call me.
I’m also thinking that this is where that whole vaginal steam cleaning comes into play, but I could be wrong and one has nothing to do with the other. I may bring it up. I may not. I’ll just see what mood she’s in when she calls.
File this under Advanced Tips & Tricks for Windows 10 … How to create the God Mode folder for mind-boggling control over your Windows settings!
Right click on the desktop and choose “new” then “folder”. Now, enter the following exactly as it’s written (cut and paste would be a good choice) “GodMode.{ED7BA470-8E54-465E-825C-99712043E01C}”
This provides you with a convenient one-stop shop for every control panel applet and option available on your PC, complete with a search tool for super fast access. Why not copy it to your new Start menu folder, pin it to the taskbar, or add it to the Windows Quick Access menu that appears when you press the “Windows” and “X” keys simultaneously?
To do the latter, you’ll need to employ the services of Win+X Eidtor (http://winaero.com/download.php?view.21)
FEEL THE POWER!
The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries run by …
Does my penis make this dress look big?
So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.
I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.
Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”
I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.
Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.
Enemy Mine
Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.
Dammit.
Boobies are for illustrative purposes only and not meant as porn. Unless you’re a total perv, in which case, it may be viewed as porn if requested in writing.
Few things push The Snark’s buttons like hearing someone mispronounce one of his favorite words.
I’m not even going to get started on the word “clitoris” which not only is apparently unpronounceable, but no man is able to find one, even with a flashlight and a guiding hand on the back of their head ………. but I digress.
No, gentle reader, the word to which I’m referring is another body part, the name of which apparently paralyzes far too many people’s frontal lobes (not to be confused with the ear lobes).
I’m talking about our friend, the larynx. I’ll admit, it’s a funny word and I always feel like I’m talking dirty when I say it. It’s titillating.
But dammit, if I hear one more walking cartoon character pronounce this word as “LAIR – NIX” … I’m going postal, and not in a good, get your mail on time, kind of way.
The word is properly pronounced “LAIR – INKS” …….. It rhymes with pharynx …… dammit, did I open a can of worms there?
LAIR – INKS, dammit! LAIR – NIX ….. son of a …. I mean …..LAIR – INKS!
So, there you are. Empowered like a mother hugger. Now go forth and talk more goodly. Go. Forth. Go.
