This was submitted by a friend. A modern Renaissance man with intellect and humor to spare! Much thanks, my brother! I will not mention your name without your consent.
So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night. I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux. Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.
I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.
I thought, what the hell? I’ll try again for lunch …
Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing. I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.
So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!
It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything! I practically ran through the door and asked for a DOUBLE!
Wow! What a misunderstanding! Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?
It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …
Readers, I have a confession to make. Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter has led me down a dark path. It has been a short hop to her gift guide.
I know that I have posted a similar piece before, but really, I just couldn’t help myself today.
The gift guide has become one of my main sources of levity, intellectual stimulation, and emotional sustenance. I laugh, I cry, it becomes a part of me. So, feeling a little blue today now that vacation is over and it is a cold, gray day, I took a peek at the last gift guide.
In what I am guessing is an effort to be more relatable, GP has added wonderful, practical gifts for those we love most, like the following. Please read the last sentence twice, because I find it mind-boggling.
“This two-part adventure begins in 2016 with a behind-the-scenes invitation to a World View test flight. The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona, is home for three nights; spend your days with the flight’s chase and recovery team and tour Biosphere 2 with original crew member and World View CEO Jane Poynter. In 2017, you and five companions will experience 360° views of Earth as a high-altitude balloon lifts your luxury pressurized capsule 100,000 feet above our planet. $90,000.00”
I know what someone’s getting for Christmas this year!
Spaces are limited to a lucky ten people. I want to meet those 10 people, but more importantly, I NEED to meet the recipients. If someone is willing to spend 90 large to send you 100,000 feet in the air, you have to be a special kind of someone. They are selling 10, but I guess only 6 make the cut.
The Hermes Mah Jongh Set – $46,000 Is there any wonder as to why there is a waiting list?
Even by Gwynnie’s standards, those have to be major gifts, so if it’s stocking stuffers you need, look no further. Yes, GP has a section forNot So Basic Sex Toys.
For short money, Goop recommends the $395 Kiki de Montparnasse Droplet Necklace. “A discreet vibrating necklace that turns into nipple clamps,” the description says. Awesome. I love jewelry that multi-tasks.
I was contemplating the very affordable $20 anal beads when a particular item caught my eye. For that special someone (or yourself), you can get a 24-karat dildo $15,000.
Since I feel that you can’t put a price on pleasure, I looked more closely and noticed two very important points.
- This item comes with discreet packaging. Well, one would hope so. My letter carrier is a very nice man, but I don’t want him coming to my door and saying, ” Here’s that solid gold dildo you’ve been waiting for!”
- It comes with a 10-year guarantee.
Personal note to GP – Honey, I don’t judge, but if you are worried that you might wear out a solid gold dildo in less than 10 years, something is amiss. What the hell are you doing with it? Gwynnie, talk to me, goose. I’m your girl and you can tell me. Really. Call me.
I’m also thinking that this is where that whole vaginal steam cleaning comes into play, but I could be wrong and one has nothing to do with the other. I may bring it up. I may not. I’ll just see what mood she’s in when she calls.
The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries run by …
So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.
I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.
Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”
I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.
Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.
Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.