Dear Uncle Snarky,
We’re having a huge debate in my high school “Human Sexuality” class. We were discussing you, and several of the kids think that you’re androgynous and that you have no sex organs, whatsoever. Other kids say that you have junk, but it’s really small like a baby’s. Our teacher says that we’re all being cruel and that you probably have a normal-sized no-no, but that you have been emasculated by a society who can’t understand your genius.
So, here’s our question. How can a vacuum cleaner be good if it really sucks?
Ms. Smegma’s 1st period Human Sexuality class, Will C. Wood High School
Uncle Snarky Replies …
Good Morning Class,
Ah, high school. The time in a young person’s life when they have almost as many brain cells as they have zits. It’s a magical time, sponsored by Clearasil and Jergen’s hand lotion. I can still remember this one time when I was sitting in English class. We were discussing gerunds. I’m not sure why we were discussing old people in English class. But, it was not my call.
Anyway, the teacher called my name and asked me to come to the blackboard and write down three gerunds. Well, of course, the first three I thought of were Winston Churchill, that manly chick that starred on “Maude” back in the Seventies, and the lunch lady from our school cafeteria who lost her fake pinkie finger in a batch of fish sticks. I remember, the girl who bit into the fake finger let out such a cry of anguish and disgust that more than half of the Freshmen ended up puking into each other’s hair. It was glorious. But, back to the classroom …
While the teacher had been talking about gerunds, I had actually been thinking about boobies. Mary Pat Zoloft’s boobies to be exact. They were magnificent. When she walked, they moved of their own volition, like two wolverines fighting under a blanket. Well, because of my daydream about Mary Pat’s wolverines, I had developed what is called in polite circles, a raging boner. I was unable to stand, much less walk. I tried to bend over to tie my shoelace and poked myself in the eye.
Wait a minute. What was your question again? Something about vacuum cleaners? Uncle Snarky lost his virginity to an Electrolux Model 138, but that’s a story for another time.
Stay in school. Don’t pull your tool.
– Uncle Snarky –