Another letter to The Snark. This one is from Dixie Normous of Tightsqueeze, Virginia.
Dear Uncle Snarky,
I am a 19 year-old girl with a dark secret. I have a mortal fear of being groped by Sasquatch. This might sound like a small matter to you, but according to The National Enquirer, Sasquatch gropings are on the rise in the contiguous United States and parts of Guatemala.
My mom and dad are taking our family on a camping trip, and they’re forcing me to go. They say if I don’t face my Sasquatch groping fears that I could end up a depraved sheep-shagger like you, Uncle Snarky. I am horrified of Bigfoot touching my no-no, but I’m even more horrified of someone confusing me with you. I don’t mean any offense, of course. I’m sure you’re probably a very nice pervert. Although, I still would never stand in front of you in line at Lubricants-R-Us.
So, I guess my real question is, should I risk it all and go to the forest with my family, knowing full well that I might get hairy-palmed by the Abominable Hoe Man? I know you’ll steer me right, Uncle Snarky. You’re the wisest, most wonderful person who’s ever lived!
I’m sorry. That previous paragraph was total bullshit. I was giggling my ass off whilst I was writing it. I actually think you’re an idiot and a danger to society. But, your opinion would be appreciated.
The Snark replies:
Well, thank you for that vote of confidence. I’ll bet you never get tired of hearing guys say “I wish I was in Dixie”. Uncle Snarky is always excited to receive letters from 19 year-old women with dark secrets. He prefers when those letters come with filthy pics and pairs of panties, but let’s not split hairs. So to speak.
Let me start off by saying that The Snark can say with absolute certainty that Sasquatches roam among us. Spend five minutes with my wife’s side of the family and you’ll be a believer too.
If there’s one thing Uncle Snarky knows, it’s groping. I remember this one time when I was at a frat party in college. The hour was growing late, and I was waiting for the frat boys to pass out unconscious so I could rummage through their wallets. Suddenly, The Snark was beset upon by a 300-pound defensive lineman from the football team of the venerable Funk University (OLD F U). At first I was flattered. Then, I realized that the idiot thought that I was Jodie Foster! Talk about beer goggles!
I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. But, here’s a bit of wisdom … “Making love on an escalator is a moving experience….. until your wanker gets caught in the mechanism.
– Uncle Snarky –