Recently, a reader named Smoot Knudsen from Smorgasbord, Sweden wrote The Snark:
Dear Uncle Snarky,
We have heard of you, here in Europe. Your name is legendary. We use Uncle Snarky stories to frighten the children so that they will not ask us for books or food, or more slack. Sometimes, late at night, I like to pretend that I’m you and I’m violating moose and woodchucks with impunity. I giggle like that little girl on The Brady Bunch who could not say “she sells seashells by the seashore”.
Here’s my problem. I have a cousin named Mordechai. He’s a pretty nice fellow but he’s kind of confused. He’s got muscles in his head that ain’t never been used. Thinks he own half of this town. I think I could have a song there! But I digress.
Mordechai loves to play a game called “I’m going to kill your ass with a machete”. He loves this game so much. But, there’s a real downside to the game. Every member of my family is dead now except for Mordechai and me. I have a strong suspicion that Mordechai might be a few muskrats shy of an orgy. Know what I mean?
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t want to play “I’m going to kill your ass with a machete” with Mordechai. I just can’t see it ending well. What would you suggest?
P.S. I want a pony. I want a fucking pony.
Uncle Snarky Replies …
Smoot, Smoot, Smoot,
What the hell is your problem? You have a cousin who wants to be in your life and he’s making every effort to include you in his activities and you seem so ungrateful. I saw the picture of Mordechai that you sent and he looks like a fine fellow to me. He obviously has your best interests at heart.
I suggest that you invite him to your house for a sleep-over tonight. Make some s’mores and do each other’s hair. I know The Snark never feels better than when he’s freshly pedicured, and has a head full of Dippity Do. It’s Heaven …. whoops, I mean Valhalla.
One more thing. Wait until Cousin Mordechai has dozed off for the evening and then chainsaw his ass into bite-sized pieces and set the house on fire. What are you, an idiot? This crazy bastard has watched one too many Friday The 13th movies and has caused me to urinate in my chair.
– Uncle Snarky