Chris P. Bacon, a reader from Hog Nut, Arkansas writes:
Dear Uncle Snarky,
I am a boy who belongs to a girl scout troop. I feel that boys are underrepresented in the girl scouts and I am a trailblazer for a better tomorrow. We need a guest speaker for our next troop meeting, and since we couldn’t get the dude that lives in the oleander bushes behind the 7-11 store, we thought, what the hell? Uncle Snarky is better than nothing.
Some of the parents are objecting to having you speak to our troop. They say there are rumors that you’re a pervert and a weirdo. Sally’s mother says she saw your face on one of the most wanted posters in the Post Office and that you’re a corruptor of youth.
So, how about it?
Uncle Snarky replies:
I feel you on the trailblazing, Crispy, I mean, Chris P. The Snark was enrolled at the St. Agnes School for Morally Bankrupt Girls for almost seven months before they figured out I was a guy. I’m pretty sure it was the penis that gave me away.
I must say, I’ve become tired of the rumors of my perversion. I feel that I’ve done more than enough to substantiate those rumors and they should now be considered stone cold facts!
Do the girl scouts still do those horrible hazing rituals? I remember this one time, when I was at St. Agnes. The girls said I had to pass a “test” before I could become a scout. I was force fed toadstools that coincidentally grew behind the 7-11 store. I was tripping balls, I mean, tripping vulva, and ended up getting arrested for impersonating Chelsea Clinton and demanding special treatment at Wal Mart. They say that the taser won’t have any permanent effect on my reproductive ability, but the kick in the crotch I got from the police donkey might.
That ain’t Hello Kitty peeking out of my arse!
I can’t remember what the hell your question was, but let me leave you with this bit of wisdom … never try to smuggle a badger from Mexico into the United States by hiding it in your underwear. Nothing good will come of it.
– Uncle Snarky