Mr. Snark, after a visit to your site yesterday my dog Tykee has been smoking cigars and will not stop. I am sure that there is an addiction problem and I am looking for a solution. You should know of a treatment for this condition or could give me a web address that could help in this matter, after all it seems that your site caused this strange phenomenon.
My dog also as a problem with listening to extremely loud music from cd’s that were burned on spotify, I really have no problem with the loud music but the Sex Pistols seem to be scaring all of the neighborhood kids. They seem more comfortable with some getto music from Pine Bluff and this will not work out around here. Would you suggest getting a new dog since my dog only has one testicle and also has trouble with women. I’m really not wanting a different dog because of the unknown situation that I may be getting myself into. I have been told by one farkel that the testicle should be removed and this would solve all of my problems with this strange situation caused by your site! I seems that you should warn people with dogs that there may be consequences to your animals if you visit this site.
While we are on the subject and I know you must be an expert I am also having some issues with my laptop. apparently its gained a mind of its own and I have live footage on my laptop of it walking around. sadly, my laptop wont let me retrieve the footage. It also does not play well with the other laptops. Apparently it has trust issues with one of my neighbors laptops and cyber bullied the rest. Now I know you are the all-knowing-Snark so I wondered if I could have an anger management class for my laptop online. Our house looks like a scene from Paranormal Activity and we have been advised to see professional sleep experts, therapists, and potatoes. Please help us Mr. Snarky!
The Snark Replies:
Dear Farkel 1 and Farkel 2,
Far be it from The Snark to pass judgment on anyone, but you two knuckleheads sound like the kind of people who smuggle grilled cheese sandwiches into the movies by stashing them between their butt cheeks. I’m just sayin …
I made the mistake of smoking “cigars” with Tykee one time and I woke up behind a mule in Tijuana with $14 stapled to my forehead. I don’t know what the hell happened but to this day Mexicans throw roses at my feet.
And I didn’t want to bring this up, but Tykee has a problem with piracy. That little bastard has one of the largest porn collections I’ve ever seen. Supposedly, he has one especially disgusting porno movie that features a totally nude Hillary Clinton performing unspeakable acts on some poor dumbass who has $14 stapled to his forehead. Wait a minute? What the funk?
The unholy laptop you have in your possession is well known to several friends of mine who investigate strange happenings. You should be receiving a call soon from Daphne or Velma concerning this matter.
It reminds me of this one time when I was attacked by a haunted monkey foot. Damn bat was flying around shitting all over everything. Monkey foot was stinkin’. I kept screaming Ms. Rudolph, Ms. Rudolph! No, never mind. I got confused. That was Richard Pryor, not me. I hate it when that happens.
What the? Get the fuck away from me, Tykee! You little one-nut bastage! I ain’t smokin’ none of that shit with you again! Someone please call nine-one-one.
– Uncle Snarky –